Dear [redacted],
Congrats on your move. And congrats on, I’m assuming, being all but completely moved in at this point. Moving as everyone knows is the worst thing that can happen to a person and moving in New York takes the worst thing that could ever happen to you and make it seem vibrant and exciting if you’re very stupid and happily moving into a place you want to live, alone. For most people moving in New York, it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to a person and the two strangers who are also moving into a railroad’s apartment that costs the same as a house in Detroit. Chicago, say what you will about the city and its minor inferiority complex and lack of diversity, but it at least had the good sense to burn down at some point and be rebuilt with alleyways so that our moving trucks would have a place to sit while you lug all the asos clothes you can carry up a modest three story walk up off the brown line owned by your aunt.
I have moved several times but for years owned so little (on account of having no money and such) that moving was never quite the production. I am fortunately very rich now, and knew this when the last time I moved I was able to hire a group to do essentially the entire thing for me. Packing included. I basically just grabbed all the sex stuff and drug paraphernalia and let the nice Polish boys do the rest (my boyfriend who copy edited this, said “capitalize ‘Polish’ unless that was intentional and they polished you off. Just so you know what I’m dealing with at home). I hope everyone gets to experience this someday and that is socialism.
I quit vaping several weeks ago (after quitting smoking a decade prior) but returned to smoking instead as I may have mentioned. The thing that no one wants to talk about is that smoking is actually quite cool and sexy in at least equal measure as it is inconvenient and dangerous. Vapes on the other hand offer nothing to offset the health concerns. You look ridiculous, dorky even, clutching a Tomogatchi at the party, blowing out water vapor mysteriously flavored “Beach Day.” It could be poetic in some ways. How do you capture the flavor of a day at the beach in a vape? It’s giving, “how do you catch a moonbeam in your hand.”
But I’m no longer a coffee drinker as I’ve swapped it out for a very saccharine and artificial pre-workout that I’ve convinced myself makes me not only better, faster, and stronger, but somehow more connected to masculinity as a concept. But unfortunately it doesn’t pair with the first cigarette of the day like coffee used to. Coffee and a cigarette is basically the same thing as reading a book. Coffee and a pre-workout drink is a Michael Bay movie. Another ritual ruined by LA health culture and toxic body standards for gay men. You win again, Instagram!
Hope you have a good week. That last thing, about how the switch from coffee to pre-workout ruined the first cigarette of the day, I probably would have tweeted some version of that, and probably sparked some kind of discourse about coffee, body positivity, gym culture and/or smoking. So I’m very grateful to have you to share these very impressive thoughts with instead.
Grateful for too many reasons today but that is near the top.
Joel
And film still uses smoking as a device so, as an actor, one needs to still know how to handle a cigarette in order to not look dorky in a scene. Unless one is either so successful to demand a rewrite or confident enough to walk out of an opportunity entirely.
Poetic stream of consciousness. With surprising insight into the human experience